Category Archives: random

family

sigh…

here goes.

i have been secretly reading blogs of people living with various chronic illnesses and cancers for probably 10 years now. i never talk about my late-night slice of american pie with anyone, but i have thought long and hard about why i come back to read their stories. aside from the obvious courageous and inspirational messages and the opportunity to support others these sites offer, i think i come back because i have an opportunity to witness family support and love. i get to live vicariously and take mental notes on how to be a “normal” person with a happy, loving family. it’s a little bit of fake it till you make it, i suppose. with a dash of green envy thrown in.

most of my 20’s were a series of arguments with my mother over my brothers drug addiction. she believed that i was making it up to hurt them both.she was at times physically abusive and growing up was neglectful and disinterested in us. even now, i can hear the resentment boiling just under the surface. the dichotomy of parenthood. i think she loves us as much as any other mother but we are her scapegoats for unrealized dreams.

whatever the case, parenting by avoidance, denial, and guilt did not result in happy, well-adjusted adults. my sister has chronic pain, depression (with suicide attempts) and no insurance. she can’t work and filing for disability is difficult for someone her age, so she exists in limbo. my brother is riding the revolving door of the prison system and i think he has given up on life. i suppose in comparison i come up looking like roses.

which makes me desperately sad. the hurt runs so deep, i can’t even describe it. i want so badly for everyone to do better and to rise above their circumstances. it is heartbreaking to watch, but i don’t know how to help them without jeopardizing things for myself. if there was one thing i truly wish for in my life it would be for my family to be healed from their drug addictions, chronic pain, mental illness, and traumatic experiences, so that i can heal too.

canine polypharmacy

about a month ago, we hired a dog walker for birdie three days a week. she LOVES it. she comes home exhausted, happy, a little scratched up, and limping. sigh. we noticed after the first week she would have an intermittent limp after her walks. 2 weeks ago the dog walker began taking the dogs for off leash beach play. in a text she described our dog as a “maniac” on the beach.

with her friends at the beach

heh, thats our girl.by the end of the week the limp was undeniable. birds was reluctant to go on a morning walk with me. we took her in to the vet and the verdict is likely elbow and possible shoulder involvement on BOTH sides (right worse than left). ugh! for the record: dogs are NOT cheap. even free ones. the treatment? rest ie: no off leash play or strenuous walks for our extremely social and energetic girl. oh, and of course meds. she is on doggie advil for the next 10 days to get rid of that inflammation in her joints. its possible that she could have arthritis or a congenital dysplasia. noooooooooooo!!!!! i can hear the $$ signs swooshing in the wind as i type.

she was in so much pain she wouldn’t come out of her crate to greet us when we got home. 😦

not to mention the fact that the last thing i want to know is that my dog is in pain all the time. boy can i relate to that! total suckage. she still is damn cute though. even when she takes up half of the bed and i wake up with her kicking me and snoring in my ear. 

as for me, i have been taking some supplements to help with fatigue. for awhile there i was feeling pretty frustrated with not only the inconsistency of my fatigue but just that simple activities seemed to bring it on. i am currently taking cordyceps capsules, 20 mgs of astaxanthin and a mystery dose of vitamin d (from the double blind clinical trial i am participating in) and it seems to be helping with endurance as well as brain fog. i seem to be able to remember information better which is helpful with my internship and all.

as for the lack of updates here, its hard to think after coming home from a full day of physical and mental work at my internship. i never seem to have enough time to fit it all in. one day i will learn to be the world class juggler i long to be.

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getting crafty

i am on week 6 of a 6 week break in between my internships. it has been phenomenal! and has given me some time to ponder life, make bucket lists, lay around in my PJ’s till 3 in the afternoon, and complete projects i have been meaning to do. when K and i first moved in here nearly a year ago, i set my desk up in the mud room off of the kitchen as a study area. then, we began renting that area out as a “guest nook” to supplement our finances since internship = pay $$ to work for free.

let me tell you, being able to rent out that space was absolutely a lifesaver! however, it meant that my desk needed a new place to live. this translated to it being hastily and unceremoniously shoved into our bedroom and then piled up with random things and clothes. our bedroom door was not left open for months. things began to pile up in there. it started to look more like a storage room than a bedroom.

i came to realize that my desk was something that i no longer needed. i mean, grad school is over and frankly i never sat at my desk to study anyways, so why keep it? it was big and taking up a ton of space. plus, my plan is to travel as an occupational therapist so i need to be thinning out my possessions. i sold my beloved desk. the one that i had all the way through college. the one that i forced my ex to drive up to the bay area after i dumped him so that i could have it back. i went from this:

to this:

i needed storage! so, i got around to another project that had been on my list for some time–making a wine crate shelf. i had many ideas in mind for these, but since we are renting and i didn’t want to put any unnecessary holes in the wall that would be docked from our deposit later, i opted for a standing shelf.

i really wanted to mount them on the wall above the desk and i also considered making planter boxes. in the end i needed storage. construction was simple i just used 4 nails to join the two boxes vertically. i plan to paint the insides of the boxes a bright fun color. i love that one of the shelves is covered so that i can hide practical, but not pretty items.

it balances out the new desk set up nicely, wouldn’t you say?

 

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sometimes i get frustrated

and turn into a sarcastic, trolling 12- year old brat. take this email exchange for example. i have been trying to sell my mattress on CL for about a week. its a good quality mattress and i’m selling it for $50. it’s cheap enough for people to take a risk in buying it because buying a mattress from a stranger over the internet is risky. so far everyone has been a flake or they have asked me ridiculous questions. today, i got annoyed.

 

 

apparently she didn’t get the joke. sigh.

 

 

 

 

i apologize, but i just couldn’t resist.

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spring break

i think today i just want to write about whatever comes to mind. for instance, my amazing, awesome support animal has a wicked case of seperation anxiety. in the days since her arrival, my partner and i have spent many hours and many dollars trying to cure her of her velcro dog affliction. we have finally made it to a whole 30 minutes of her being alone with not a single peep from her crate. which is great, but in some ways this is now the more difficult, time consuming part of this process–we have to sit on our doorstep and time her because we need to know if she is whining. i have heard that once you make it to 40 minutes in the crate alone, its smooth sailing from there. let’s hope so! otherwise she continues to be one of the most amazing dogs i have ever had the pleasure of being owned by. such a sweetheart! such a goof!

today i went to an oral surgeon for a recheck of my lichen planus. i was given the all-clear. i now know that i am allergic to crest multi-care, colgate, and arm and hammer toothpastes. shortly after learning that i had lichen planus, i also discovered that i am allergic to my deodorant (thankfully, there are effective natural versions!). it seems strange to develop so many allergies to things in a such a short amount of time. at the time that i developed the lichen planus, i had been taking copaxone for three months and developed a cold (something that has not happened in 11 years!) and two new allergies. even though copaxone is not supposed to affect my immune system function in any way, i have my doubts in light of these developments. i will save my rant about the disease-modifying drugs (DMD’s) for another time…

my partner and i are supposed to be going out of town for the weekend, only in true slacker fashion we have made no reservations or firm decisions about where we are going. ha! if we do make it, it will be so nice to get out of town for a bit. if we don’t i will still enjoy relaxing at home with her.

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