folks, this is what rock bottom looks like. truly. even being diagnosed wasn’t as low as this. i know it can only get better, at least that’s what they say, whoever they are. at any rate, i’m still trying to find the words to tell my mother how painful it is to be blown off and rejected by her over and over again. i’m also still trying to find a way to come to terms with the fact that my my family will never act as a family. my heart knows that’s the truth, but it wishes it different anyways. even though i am depressed and hurt and full of impotent pain there is a voice in my head telling me to ride this out. and i’m trying hard to listen.
i vacillate between feeling overwhelmed and incredulous at how bad things truly are. i wonder how things got this way. as a child, i never realized how bad it was until i was older– i thought everyone’s family was like mine. sometimes i think my family can still be like everyone elses. and sometimes i just hurt so deeply i think i might split in two.