Monthly Archives: May 2013

exacerbation

the neuro confirmed last wednesday that i have had an exacerbation. i came home, crawled into bed and watched netflix for the rest of the night. K tried to be supportive but i shut her and everything else out. i know it could be worse than a mostly numb left half of my body and a week’s worth of dizziness, but i am still struggling to get right with it. i am thankful its not worse, but i’m also angry, frustrated, scared, and sad. JUST when life was finally feeling good and normal i lose feeling in my left side and i’m dragging my exhausted ass through the week.

AGAIN.

it all feels scary again, and i hate it. i hate that there isn’t a damn thing i can do about it except wait it out and hope that this exacerbation didn’t take too big of a chunk of neurons out with it.

i think that’s what i resent most about this stupid disease– the impotence that comes with it.

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hawk hill

yesterday, we rode 31.3 miles up hawk hill. it was hard but not nearly as hard as i thought it would be. the ride was beautiful and fun and i am so proud of K and i for actually going through with it! this was our first ride on our own and we totally rocked it.

hawk hill map

the map here only shows the route from chrissy field and as pictured is about 20 miles, but we started from the center of SF and rode an additional 5 miles each way on the route.

hawk hill

the view was absolutely gorgeous and we could not have picked a better day to go. the mountain in the middle of this shot has a road carved out of it…this is the road that we took from the bridge. we basically rode from below sea level to a couple thousand feet of elevation. not too shabby for a lacey-brained weakling!

guns hawk hill

worst two things about the ride: 1) tourists on the bridge… tandem bikes UGH!!!; 2) the wind.

best two things about the ride: 1) the meal we ate afterwards. glorious, delectable carbs and salt! food always tastes amazing after a ride; 2) the moment in the above picture. we made it! holy shit, we actually made it!!! also, my arms look pretty buff which is nice. even if it is just the shadows. i’ll take it!

 

 

 

 

my ride

after my diagnosis, waves to wine felt completely unattainable. i was filled with shock and anxiety, sure that at any moment i was going to lose all faculties and be permanently relegated to a wheelchair. but it’s been almost 2 years and that hasn’t happened yet…

so maybe its time to get back in the saddle.

i was drawn to the ride for all of the obvious reasons: get in shape, sense of accomplishment, raise awareness for MS. but none of these was the reason. sure, i felt a connection since the ride itself benefits people with MS…or at least it benefits the bloated, beureaucratic non-profit that claims it benefits people with MS. consider it trickle down philanthropy.

i digress.

last week while on a stationary bike at the gym, i reflected on the state of my body. i am weak. my joints are a mess. i hurt way more than a 32 year old should. as i lamented on the sad state of my physique, the reason came to me. cheesy as it sounds, while pedaling up another “hill” on the screen with leg muscles burning and screaming i imagined myself as a phoenix rising above all of my fear and pain and anxiety that has held me back since diagnosis: this ride is about making a come back. it has taken a huge amount of trial and error to prove to myself that i am strong enough to do the things i used to and beyond that, to push myself harder, and that it really will be ok. 

and THAT’S the reason for my ride!